My Battle..

Where did my self respect go? 

I went away from 12WBT again!! I stopped focusing on my eating and my exercise and went away...I gave up.

Why?! I don't even know this time, I moved house, I smashed my car, I got sad. These are all my excuses. Why am I letting these things hinder me?

I have mentally just wanted to start eating healthier, I start PT twice a week next week with a friend which I am very excited about. I know he will absolutely punish us so I need to have my eating in check because otherwise all that pain is for nothing.

I've also decided that maybe I will join Round 3... its like... bugging me that I have yet to complete a round and things are different now. So I feel I will be more successful, I have much more support I feel. 

You know what I need like a full on major chat session with someone who gets it haha but I think I am the only one who gets it because its me?

Anyways, I am re-joining, because I know with uni I need something to keep me heading in the right direction! I need to eat better, however I have JUST started dating someone who is good with his eating so that may encourage me and be a support to me I think.

Something happened to me when I turned 27. I got a tattoo, I basically told haters in my life to shove it...and I started living my life. I want to travel next year, I want to get married and have children one day. I even got private health insurance to get my root canal sorted haha. New Bex. It's time.

Love love,

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Realism.

No Round 3 for me. 

That's it. I have made the decision.... kind of. I keep going back and forth. I should be able to do this alone. It's not like I won't have you guys! I think I need to try this on my own, I have the tools; the gym membership, cookbooks/recipes, the workout gear, everything except the mindset.


I need to pay for my uni units, and I would like to go overseas next year just for a contiki tour or something. I have been eating much better now, I feel like me not over thinking it is actually helping me. I want to lose weight for my weigh in next Wednesday. Because it's my birthday and I feel like that would be a good present haha!

Being organised is a major one I think, as well as the emotional eating. But knowing what meal I will be eating and when is just so helpful. I don't want my weight to be an issue for the rest of my life. I need to be smart about this. It all comes down to the eating doesn't it, energy in, energy out. My body is heavy... I can burn the energy well. Its the energy I consume that I need to focus on.


I have to be realistic.I am starting uni, I am working a lot. I feel the program takes on too much of my life. Is that an excuse? I actually don't think so. The pressure I put on myself to follow it to a T causes me to stumble. I can do this, I won't disappear. I will stick around and keep pushing myself and still be a part of your lives haha.


I turn 27 next week, and for some reason 27 is a scary age for me. Like... very scary. I am not where I thought I would be at 27. I though't I'd be married to be honest and I'm not but that's OK. I am considering getting a tattoo and not telling anyone until I do it. But I don't know what to get and I would love some thoughts. I just want something small but it is a big deal, I feel I just need something major?


Anyway, that's where I am at. I feel like I suck at blogging these days, I apologise. Life just must be getting boring.













Hot Tip: Use a lip tint on your lips, stains your lips and lasts all day, then just put a clear gloss over the top. FAB!

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Chasing Cars with Boys...

Before I start, this is going to be a very quick blog post. You will see why shortly. 

First of all, I LOST WEIGHT again..finally. As you guys know I am in the process of moving house, so all of the incidental exercise plus eating all the healthy food in my cupboard is doing me favours. It gave me the boost I needed.

Now, my title is based on the Drew Barrymore movie. It just doesn't really make sense but that's OK! Now the reason I don't have long to post today is because I have to spend my last day of Annual Leave... going to panel beaters. Edit: I went to six panel beaters, its an extensive repair, over $2000 at least. My car won't be fixed until end of August, early September...See below. 

 

Yes, my precious car got hurt. I am fine, the car was in the driveway and my housemate reversed into it. Unfortunately I am unable to get in so I have to climb through the passenger side... It's a site that's for sure. This makes me want a cheeseburger to be honest, luckily I have friends with spare cars so that helps seeing as I officially move next weekend.

I also have to apologise for being MIA. I have been here, reading your posts just been a bit of a creeper with not a lot of time. And now, because I have taken up knitting. See below lol.

 

As you can see, it's not much but that's OK. It is getting less stressful to do haha, for ages I was struggling with the casting on.

Anyways, sorry for the super short post. I really am letting you guys down this round. Apologies!

 

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Change and the Internal Struggle

Change... I desperately wish I could avoid it at all costs. I have been crying tonight. I am going through a lot of change at the moment (OK it sounds like I am being menopausal haha).

I am moving house, again. I have moved house a lot now, I have had numerous terrible rental/share house situations. I love the people I live with at the moment, however challenging it can be.. I do love them. They are like family to me. However, one of my housemates is just a little too mean to me, too often and it does effect my confidence in a negative way, I am going to be moving back to a house I have already lived in, I wish I could explain it to you guys in more detail but I don't think it will work, hmm I should try. I am moving to a house, where my brother already lives which is great because we have lived together before, however that was early last year and we moved our separate ways because our house was robbed, which is when I moved to the house I currently live in. Before I lived with my bro, I lived at the house that I am again, about to move into and it was a very bad experience for me, I lived with a very terrible housemate, I was very depressed, lived a very 'hermit-like' life. 

I hope all that made sense....

Initially, I was excited when the opportunity came about to live their again and especially living with my brother (he was the reason I said yes, family is so important), because I was unhappy in my current living situation (housemates gf moved in and she has made things much better).. but now I have been there, and the house is so cold and empty. There is furniture already there, but it just brings up memories I don't enjoy. The other thing.. my brother has a fly in, fly out job. So he will literally be there maybe a few days a month and it has taken me so long to feel comfortable after us being robbed, that I have taken a major step backwards. 


So, on the other hand, I will be paying the same, I will have more space and further away from take away food and I will see my family a bit more. Anyways, on top of all of this. I start uni next month, and I turn 27 which is kind of a scary age for me because I feel so unaccomplished and so alone and my scales don't seem to be accurate, my body measurements are still going well though so I am trying to stay positive. I think the scales may not be accurate because of the uneven floors in the bathroom.

All of this is in my head right this very second plus heaps more. I feel like I can't fit everything in, I can't focus on my body right now it's so exhausting. I haven't had time for facebook, to check how you guys are, I feel horrendous about that. I am definitely punishing myself at the moment, but I am hopeful things will improve. I just hope they do.

Thanks guys, if you guys can offer any advice that would be great. 

Hot Tip: When I apply foundation, I apply it over primer usually depending on the day but once I finish putting on my liquid foundation, put a translucent powder over the top to set it. Makes your makeup last A LOT longer!

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Weekly Blog....Vlog Style!

Hey Guys,

I did this weeks blog as a vlog (last night). It goes for 12 minutes because I couldn't be bothered doing it again, or cutting it down. Not due to laziness though. Just exhausted. You will see, hoping for some feedback also. 

Thanks guys

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Body vs Brain

Now, if any of you are familiar with my endless struggles with my emotional eating and self hate etc through my weight loss journey you already know how much my brain and body are constantly on different teams. OH don't worry though, they change teams, they are just NEVER on the same one. 

So, usually my brain is a real b***** telling me I am no good, completely worthless etc etc but I have been taking proactive steps to train my brain and I think it is starting to work. It is really bad for me to hang all my hopes on a guy, and I won't but I have also been on a few dates with one guy, not sure how it will pan out but he makes me feel great and it is a good reminder for me. EDIT: He has just messaged me and told me "Bec, I don't like you. We don't have enough in common I think and  your body I don't like it.... you will be amazing if you lose at least another 30 kgs"

I weighed in on Wednesday, as you guys know I went away to a secret location for the weekend, my eating was maintained however exercise was not present at all. I lost 600grams this last week and I am really actually happy with that. I kept saying, I want more, I want more. But it accurately reflects the work I put in before and after my weekend away. So I am happy. I know what needed to be changed and yeah. 

HOWEVER, something happened, Wednesday was weigh in, that day at work was big and emotional and stressful, I didn't eat well on the Wednesday because I was away at a conference and I am a sucker for saving money and getting free food but I had still worked out hard in the morning and stuck to 'majority' salads. So after a massive day I was wrecked, Thursday morning....I slept through 4 alarms, that's right 4. (I have 4 because I have one for 5:00 and one for 5:05 and one for 6:30 and one for 6:35, I don't believe in the snooze button evidently.) The night before I had prepped, you know lay out all your gear in order so basically you only have to breathe in the morning and be ready. I wanted to exercise but clearly I was exhausted and my body needed rest which I could appreciate (I did really want to work out) but my eating yesterday was no good... I need to go to the gym, because I don't want to eat crap through the day and ruin what I have achieved. Today... a similar thing happened I couldn't sleep at all and I didn't wake up. I do however expect a less stressful day, I have packed all my healthy lunch and snacks. I have no excuses. 

It's just really annoying. I have decided I need to work on the following:

1. Change my alarm tone
2. Get to bed half hour earlier then what I am.
3. Be more organised in regards to shopping for food.  

That's it, I have been swamped of late, my doctor has suggested I go on stress leave but I just can't. I also decided I probably won't be going to Perth, sorry guys! I just always work the elections and its too much money for me to ignore, even though I am exhausted by the end of the day I just have to do it I think... plus I did just do something pretty bold yesterday... and I enrolled into uni by correspondence. You guys are looking at a student of Bachelor in Behavioral Studies (Psychology). I am really excited but also super nervous. It's a commitment for 6 years, but I am going to work for 5 and it starts in August. Eek!


Love ya guys, appreciate the time you take to read the blog. xo

Hot Tip: One cup of green tea per day is enough to help have more glowing skin! Thanks to the antioxidants in it, helps to get rid of all the bad stuff in your body.

P.S Check out Vikki's post about Dresses and Skirts, I love the analogy of the Coke and Pepsi Bottles, nice work Vik!

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Denying my Intermediateness...

First up, I need to let you guys know that I am currently very busy, sitting in a coffee shop on an iPad typing my blog. I am completely surrounded by people and they almost all have iPads. So I feel I blend in well and I totally feel like a writer it's weird. So this week I finally followed the program, not to a T and this weekend is a bit of a right off as I have disappeared for the weekend, I won't say where, but I am not at home. I just needed some space and I wasnt getting it and my emotional health was suffering, this may seem a bit dramatic but unfortunately what I need and I am already happier. Plus it's kind of fun to be in a mystery location. I should have taken one of those mystery flights, were not even I knew where I was going, do those kinds of flights even exist? Or have I just made that whole entire thing up? Knowing me I probably have. Sorry for that tangent! Where was I? Oh the program, the whole reason we have all been brought together. Yes so I went relatively well this week. Exercise on days was a bit lackluster as I was incredibly tired due to some emotional strain. But I have learnt the hard way, that what you consume is majority of the battle. I feel a loss coming. As some of you know, I shared my before and now pics and I felt completely anxious but also totally supported by you guys. Thank you so much, I OFTEN forget about the journey I have travelled with my weight loss and how far I have come and I should be more proud about it then I am. I have maintained it and now I am working in losing the other half. I will get to my goal weight. Now, when I was exercising this past week following Michelle's beginner program. I realized how much of a beginner I wasn't. I may not lost much weight last round but boy have I come a long way. I did the beginner program for 2 days and had to shoot right past it. Because I was sick when I did my fitness test I think it didn't give me a clear indication of what I was truly capable of! So I begrudgingly pushed myself into intermediate. I haven't been to the gym since doing that but there I am... An intermediate. Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn. Anyways, time to go.. Can't say where haha. But an adventure awaits, don't worry it's only for 2 days! Also, big shout out to my girl Danni, you are super! Have fun at the footy hehe. If it isn't half obvious I am her cheerleader. If I could hyperlink on my iPad I would. Thanks love ya's! P.S Sorry it's a bit late, and bad formatting..maybe?!

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Week 2 will be my Week 1.

I am finally on the mend, I have had an emotionally draining and completely unstable week. I may have to get to New Zealand somewhat quickly, I don't have a passport and I can't find my birth certificate. I don't even have time to write this blog. But I will not fail at this process, its been a rocky week and I did not have any time to get prepared for the start of the round, but I have sorted my self out enough to finally be able to get ready for Week 2. I will lose weight, I will be fit. I will live my life successfully. Oh and I lost and gained nothing this Wednesday which I am happy with.

P.S Sorry for the super short blog, I literally am a bit overwhelmed!

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Out of Time.

So, the plan was for me to sort out my drama, my s*** and all my eating issues BEFORE the start of Round 2. Here we are, T Minus 2 days until Round 2 starts, I have the flu, I am down in the dumps about pretty much every part of my life and I still binge sometimes. Exercise I have under control, I feel it is important that I add that positive note in!


It is an interesting revelation though, I definitely am taking ownership of my weight-loss or lack there-of, since putting more energy into blogging, I have become exceedingly honest about my battles, the barriers I face and things going on in my head that just isn't right. It gives me more confidence in knowing I can succeed.
I just read through Jayne's last blog post about the countdown and how grateful she is on her experiences to date, it really is a beautiful journey we are on together and Jayne has really reminded me of that.


I weighed in yesterday and I lost 0.6 which was good considering the crap I have been going through, I am glad the exercise I was doing paid off. But I have also been exercising to get away from my house mate, I do not understand what is issue is at the moment but I am his favourite person to torment and when I say torment, I mean it. It causes me to feel like I can't breathe because I don't have like a part of my life that works how I need it too.


I downloaded a show called 'Secret Eaters' I plan on watching it on the weekend, I feel like I will fit into that category, it is a US show so it may be a bit over the top but that's OK I am still interested to watch it.


This definitely isn't my best blog post, I know I am generally a good blog writer because my mood oozes through the words I type, and right now you can all tell, my mood is down. I apologise for that and am working through it. I appreciate my SWSYD crew having my back and helping me get through this. I don't know what I would do without you guys.












Hot Tip: Regular and moderate exercise will stimulate the fighting T cells into doing their job, which is attacking germs and viruses!

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Weekly Wrap Up - Preseason #1

Hurrah! 


Our first weekly wrap up post! And what a fabulous week of posts it has been. 


On Monday Karen opened the week with a little Kitchen Makeover and how she resisted a catered lunch at work. Read Karen's post here.


Tuesday's dish was from Kristin who gave us a little bit of an insight to what it's like to do the Kitchen Makeover when you are living with your parents and have younger sibling's lunchbox treats to resist. Check it out here.


Wednesday we had a double dose of goodness with Marianne opening up about her battle with the scales and I shared my excitement and dread of Round 2 beginning. Marianne's post is here - and you really should check out the Youtube clip at the end. Really worth a watch. My post is here. 


Thursday Carly gave us her history and what led her to 12wbt and reminded us of the power of thankfulness. It's here if you want to check it out. 


And Friday ended with a bang as both Cora and Bex just floored me - in a good way!- with their openness and honesty. Cora told us what it was like to not only go through a difficult birth but also the after effects and how it had the power to change her. She went on to tell us in her post here how she got herself back in Round 1. 


And Bex shared her thoughts on emotional eating and her relationship with comfort food in her post here and so many things she said rang true with me. Well worth a read. 


So that's our week. Some of the girls did a fun run this morning and all over our group page there are photos of excited Round 2 members in new exercise gear. 


It's going to be a great Round 2! 


Task 7 & 8 open up this week - are you ready for that?! - and Week 1 will open up later on this week too!


Have a great Sunday! See you on Wednesday!

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Till the cows come home...

Geez, it has been a roller-coaster for me lately and guess who is going to here about it. YOU GUYS! And I am seriously sorry for that. I am under a lot of stress in both my personal and work life and usually I have one or the other going well, so it is definitely a struggle for me to cope with not feeling like I have that release. On top of that I have been trying my best in the eating and exercise department, so I am both tired and just cranky (TTOM also) so it's all just a bit s*** right now. I may not even be communicating in the best way. 


Let me focus it around the current task 'Organise and Diarise'... I can organise until the cows come home, but if I want to eat my feelings, no amount of me convincing myself, talking to someone about it or whatever is stopping me. I eat until I am sick. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!! I have been crying heaps this week, I have been was doing well in the exercise and eating but have had binges that are ruining my efforts. There is no point me exhausting myself if I cannot get my eating right. What do they say, something like 80% or whatever is eating alone. I spent my weekend pre-cooking plenty of meals, I made sure I had enough to last me, so what is the go? I can blog about it too but it is always when I am driving home after leaving work that I just drive past Maccas or KFC and think....they will make me happy.


Now, I have blogged about my emotional eating in my personal blog and it did help me to recognise what I am doing, but I can't seem to pinpoint it when I am in that head space.
These are the things I KNOW about healthy eating and exercising that I feel:

• I know that I feel AMAZING after a workout so awake and alive and happy.
• I know that I don't over-think about drama in my life at the gym when I am working out.
• I know that my body feels lighter when I do not eat crap.
• I know that I feel better about myself when I eat better.
• I know that I do not feel sick when I eat clean, it's like my body thanks me.

That to me, seems like a lot of reasons to do it, doesn't it. Let's see what my reasons to eat immense amounts of food hidden in my bedroom is:

• I feel better about myself
• It's a way for me to distress after a crap day.
• I have to binge eat and watch an episode of a TV show I like
• It feels like a hug...

Geeeeez, I didn't expect that from myself seriously, I didn't. So how do I get past those, you know its weird... I actually often feel so supported yet at the same time so intimidated by the achievements of the awesome chicks in the group. I mean... I started losing weight in September 2009. I was 132kgs, I got down to 103, and have bounced around ever since. I am now at 108.6 but why am I still not proud of my accomplishments so far? And the fact that I actually have maintained for almost 2 years.. I don't know. And you know what else is weird... I haven't really told any of you guys that I have lost that weight, why would I hide that?!

But I do need to figure it out... people like Rach and her post titled 'Determined' was really inspiring about how she was using other people's success to boost her determination. I need to do that too.

Hot Tip: Lemons..Lemon water daily helps fight colds, Lemons freshen your breath, High in antioxidants, Applying directly on skin helps get rid of scars and rejuvenates your skin. How good is that!!

Love yas!

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