Striving for something more.

I have been sitting on a feeling for a while now.
It is a feeling of wanting to break free and fly, but somehow being held back.

There is a part of me that is very caring and nurturing. That is the part of me that looks out for others.
This part of me would never leave a fallen comrade.

Lately, I have been noticing a very disgruntled red woman..or "inner mongrel". When I ease off, this part of me is absolutely shitty for days. It wants to stamp and yell and push people out of the way. It is truly ferral, and a little scary.

A bit more scary and less hippy, but free none the less :)

Ok, so on Sunday I did my very first City 2 Surf. Am I happy I did it? No, not really. I have to be honest. I am damn disappointed. My ferral red woman self wanted to run.I practically walked the entire course bar a small jog here and there amounting to no more than 1km out of 14!
 My wild woman could feel the exhilaration of the cool air and how much easier the terrain was that she had planned for. How the crowd was not scary, but quite calm and very civilised and she was primed and ready for action.

However, the civilised me, had planned to do the race with a friend.
On the day, I am unsure wether it was lack of training or general lack of fitness, or not being in touch with her inner mongrel, but her best was not my best.

I am kicking myself for not standing up for myself. I let someone else do their best on the day, at the expense of my best on the day.
Why do I let others hold me back? What , in all this mental overhaul I have done, has been neglected? Why can I not put myself first and say, "Sorry Hun, I have to run"?

I spent the whole race, or "walk in the park", trying to put on my "It's ok"face.

I had all my family and friends putting congratulations on my facebook, so proud of me, but I am not proud of myself because this is my first go at this too. I have a strong work ethic when it comes to training. I work hard. I want to know what my true result could have been. It was the opportunity to test my skill, and I failed to get an acurate result...infact I paid $110 for the priviledge to waste my opportunity until next year.

I am soo dissappointed and frustrated.
I dont want to be anti social, but I really need to try my best. Why can't I be stronger when it counts??
Why am I still putting other people before myself?

A wise friend once told me that it is not your job to pull others along on your journey, but welcome those that wish to run along side you with open arms. I guess I need to just start running and see who will still be happy for me at the end.